Oops, sorry!!!! It’s been about a week, hasn’t it. My bad. I’m so sorry, Dad – for not meeting with you in such a long time! I finished uploading all of 2016 meetings as you requested… ahead of schedule! Yay! It was interesting (to say the least) that reading those old journal/board meetings made me feel like I keep saying the same things over and over! Haha, it’s like a “bored” meeting all right! Lol.
It actually made me feel like I may be imagining all this and that you maybe really didn’t want me to win a lottery. Until yesterday when I got my mojo back when with my parents in Indiana. I bought a mega and power ball ticket with my dad since I didn’t plan on buying a ticket and had no cash. (Debit/Credit not accepted for lottery there) he said we could split it if we won since he paid. I gladly took the deal. I figure, I might have better luck playing with him on my side! My dad’s license plate is his initials and the number 17… guess what the mega number is… you guessed it: The computer picked 17! Ha! So, I’m feeling real good going into tomorrow night’s lottery… I only hope I don’t ruin it! I am feeling worried that I do the wrong thing with the whole church scandal. I pray you forgive me.
I am feeling confused about what to do with church. Are you upset with me for not going to church out of sadness and disappointment that the higher-ups have been covering for the priests that abused kids and they are STILL saying mass! OMG, what’s up with that?!!! I can’t condone that and going to mass is just feeling badly while there and I don’t want to be unforgiving… but I feel like the whole system is messed up. Top down and all around. There are great priests and especially in my diocese but I’m questioning where I should go to become who Christ is calling me to be. I feel like maybe you want me to be in a community that meets in a home possibly? There is a group that meets on Friday nights down the street. I am really not sure what to do next. There doesn’t seem to be one church that has all that I yearn for in a church: Great worship music, messages that cause me to be a better follower of Jesus with life changing convictions to obey you, Lord… and most importantly, I love the sacraments of Holy Eucharist and reconciliation (which now unfortunately seems cheapened by the scandal). I am still excited for the Bible study at St. M.
So, what would you like to tell me that I need to hear tonight? Are you disappointed or upset with me? Do you think I ruined my chances of ever winning the lottery? Should I go back to church this weekend? Where would you like me to go? I will go wherever you think I should be. All I know is that I want to be near you and your people. I want to be a better person and love you more and more each day… I want what you want. I need you! Please help me be who you want me to be!
*** Mar, mar…mar. You make everything more difficult than it needs to be. I only want you to take a break and relax. It’s good for you to recharge and de stress from time to time to manage the illness. Think of this as a time of reflection and adjustment. Missing mass last weekend is not a deal breaker. Even if you choose another group of Christians down the street to meet with, I will not be sad or disappointed with you. Christians met in houses from the beginning, right? Just be careful where you want to meet so that you don’t find yourself in a dangerous cult. You are smart, though. I will help you navigate the water. Look to me. For now, please wait awhile before you join another Christian group.
You will be busy with some important things in just a little while! All I need you to do is relax. I’ve got this. You can’t make it happen. Only I can do this for you… as a gift. There is nothing you did to deserve it. Let’s talk about what you would like to do once you win the lottery. You mentioned sharing it with your sister… that was good to hear. You mentioned that you want to live off the interest… that was good to hear. You mentioned in your thoughts all that you would like to start doing for God and My Mighty and Holy Kingdom. Let’s talk more about that. Ok? This is going to be very interesting…
God, my only wish of what to do with the money… is to find out what YOU would like me to do… and then to have the courage and obedience to do exactly THAT…. Whatever you want, Dad, I want. You know what is best. I don’t want anything for myself except to have fun doing whatever you call me to do… because that is what you always tell me to do! You know it’s a challenge for me sometimes, because I always try so hard, too hard… and end up ruining everything I do because of rushing around, being impatient with people, or striving to do more than I am capable of doing. (Biting off more than I can chew and getting discouraged.)
***That, my mar, is the best answer you could have given to me. You forgot one thing… and that is that you plan on board meetings every day if possible and to spend much more quiet time in conversation with me. That way, you get the marching orders! I know you will try your best. That’s all I ask. We will take it one day at a time! I love you. Good luck with tomorrow’s drawing! Thank you for putting the ticket into your safe box at the credit union! Fast and pray… wait for growl before you eat tomorrow… ok? (And no more food today unless you get a growl)
I love you, Father-God… you’re an awesome and incredible Dad for me to rely on. In you my hope lies for the world’s eternal future. Please help me help you save souls. Help me be who you want me to be. Please give me the courage I will need to send out the invitations as “sheep among wolves” please protect me, my family and my friends from the enemy. Please help me only look to you and the light and shine brightly to help you dissolve the darkness with your love.
Please let the next chapter finally begin in this story… the pages are so tattered and worn… I don’t know how much longer I can survive in this loop of hope followed by unrealized dreams back to hope and faith… and over again and again and again and again and again… it’s dizzying and tiresome. Please, let my dad and me win tomorrow night. I promise to do all I can to help share your love with the world and to send out your invitations to the ETERNAL PARTY! Help me start the next chapter and open EPP, Inc, build ShamRock Studio or buy the one downtown…hopefully I haven’t messed up your plans or delayed it so much that things aren’t lining up. All I know is you’re in charge and you know the beginning from the end, so I am not too worried. You’ve GOT THIS!!!! Amen! Thank you, God! I love you!