Help me, so that I can think of my neighbor’s needs and not be indifferent to their pain… help me, Lord, that my tongue will be merciful, guard my tongue so that I learn to never speak negatively of others but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for everyone. Help me, Lord, that I don’t judge from appearances, but look only for the good in other people and to reach out to help them. I want to be completely changed into your mercy and look like you with all your ways becoming my ways. I am so sinful, so self-focused and greedy (for excess food) greed is idolatry. I wonder if I would ever be free of these chains. I try God, please help me change! When I look at myself and who I’ve become, I worry if you would even want me in you house of heaven for eternity… please give me a new heart and take this heart of stone away. Make me more like Jesus. Show me the way. I want to be a good example… me… the chief of sinners. Show me your light again and lead me home.
I am going back through my past journal writings with Board Meetings, poetry, short stories, etc and trying to post them all. What a project you are asking me to do! I think I must have about 1000 entries to post over the last 8 years or so. I feel embarrassed by these because I have some wild ideas: Grandiose, psychotic, selfish and prideful entries. I pray no one finds out it is me for many years, or better yet, never know. But I deceive myself when I think that because if God is calling me to do this so urgently, it must mean some people (maybe many) will read these entries. I shudder at the thought, but God will get me through it all. If people are reading about my story, then maybe some of my dreams will have come true for his Holy Kingdom? I pray that my efforts, shame and embarrassment has something good to come out of it. God, are you sure you are calling me to continue finishing the uploads? It will take me until Halloween, at least. Today I worked almost 2 hours and only was able to upload about 7 or 8 posts.
** You have been through so much. All those years of paranoia, anxiety, grandiose thoughts, dreams that seem so unreachable, hunger to do my will and not knowing if it is God calling you or your imaginations taking flight. Thank you for your tenacity and playing the lottery all these years. You will not regret your efforts of obliging me in that. Yes, my ways are strange. You are kind to follow my lead and I will repay you for your obedience. It will be a sign of my will being done in your life… people will be interested in your story. It is ok if you suffer… it will be repaid a hundredfold in eternity with God. You must suffer to be a part of the family business…. Suffering… It’s just as Jesus also had to endure hardships. I will get you through it all. Haven’t I always?
As for the uploading many 100s of posts from your old journals (to this blog)…
Mar, please do this project as quickly as you can, as throughly as you can and you will be so glad when it is done. I know it is difficult to read. I know it brings back some bad memories and embarrassing words are plenty abound. Many of the entries were written when you were manic, so don’t feel guilty about prideful thoughts… at that grandiose time in your life in those instances, just know that I know your heart. I know you only want to complete your mission. I know that you don’t desire fame, fortune or praise for yourself. You only wanted to please me and be used by me for the purposes of healing the nations of their lukewarm and anti-Christ attitudes. You want to share God’s love and to help us in the family business of saving souls. You don’t want to buy things… no. You want time and means to do what I am asking of you and to bless people in need. You want a sign that I am calling you to this assignment!
You want to be successful in all I ask of you… and you fear you don’t know what that is. All I would like you to do is love. That is all you can take with you. Love your husband, your family, your friends, and all the people you meet, all the people you don’t know but are across the world In a completely different culture and faith. Always love everyone! Be kind to all. In love, you must also have a deep humility. That will get you much further in your walk with God. Love. Love wins.
Thank you, God. Help me be more like Jesus – humble… and to love others more deeply, consistently and to not be always in a hurry. I need to take time to be present for other people and not be rude – rushing around. Help me love better, Jesus. Help me be more patient with DB and to take more time in quiet with you so I can get this done right! Thank you for clarifying that you do indeed want me to upload years of journal/board meetings to this website. Help me get it done quickly- I know you want it done asap. Help me continue with it until it is done and don’t let me worry about what people will think of me. I only care what you think, God. What you want- I want!!! Please help me to also desire to want in accordance to your will. I love you.