Hi, God! I’m looking forward going to the class at VC tonight. Please help me stay stable through the end of it in November because I really want to join the church and need this class to join up. I feel like I’m always putting the brake on you, God. Please know that I’m trying to be “hot” for you and not lukewarm. I want to give my life to you, but at the same time, I know I’m no good for you if I’m in the hospital or running around crazy. I want so badly to jump into your love and to try to share your love to people I run into in my daily life… I just feel so restrained by my illness. I feel that I cannot do enough. I cannot be enough for you. Please help me ease into you and your love. Please give me stability for the rest of my life. If it is your will, I know you can heal me. I don’t want to talk about my illness to people in church, though. I want to keep it to myself, but need their prayers. Could you send me one person I can trust, to pray for me but to keep silent and not spread it around. I need a friend I can talk to about anything and not be judged. I need encouragement. I need help. I cannot do anything without you, but you make me “crazy”, as in my brain literally cannot handle your love and power. It is so discouraging. It is so difficult to bear. I want to do your will, but I have to constantly put the brakes on it—it makes me frustrated… why did you give this to me? I hope you can take it and use it for some good. I wish you would make me some yummy lemonade with these lemons that Satan has thrown at me. Hit me in the head with a bang. It killed who I used to be and that makes me soooooooo sad!
Enough of that. I am healthy right now and so now is all that matters. I’ll make the most of it. I will try to balance myself.
Oh, yeah- thank you for the crane that flew by today. I love your cranes – so beautiful. I love the way they are so big and fly so gracefully! I used to think they were a sign from you, but now I’m not so sure. It seems to me like maybe I’m reading so much more into things when you maybe don’t really even have that much of a hand in my life. I know I’m just a little depressed right now. I do know you love me and that you care about my day. I just think sometimes I may be reading into things way too much. I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if you could send someone into my life to speak about what you have in store for me and how you can use me. I remember KT words the first time I ever went to the VC. She prayed for me after the service and prophesied that God has something even bigger than I can imagine in store for me… that I would be transformed like a butterfly, and that my chains are broken. I need to remember that and I’m hoping for more words from my new church family.
Please send someone to me in the near future to have words of encouragement. Could you arrange that for me? Am I on the right path in taking ukulele lessons? I am enjoying it, and hope to write songs soon. It would be great if CFA could offer lessons on songwriting! Could you arrange that for me also? Thank you! I know that you use weak people and work best in weaknesses and that is my great hope that you can use me in some small way. In a big way would be better, though… I’d love to release my fears of being ridiculed because of you. Help me get over that, please. Your opinion of me is the only opinion that should matter!
*** I just want to tell you that you need to know that I am always with you and that I know you are doing your best. I will help you be who I want you to be since you keep asking me for that… just be patient and know that you need to take your time. Don’t try to hurry things up. It’s like a blooming flower- you can’t pull it open by the pedals, no, it needs to slowly open up to blossom. That is what you are, dear Mar… you are my precious little flower that is trying to rush the blossom. I know you think you aren’t doing enough or fast enough or losing weight enough… stop thinking that. You are progressing in divine order and divine time. Be careful of judging yourself too harshly. You really should be more kind to yourself in all matters. You are more kind to strangers than you are to yourself. Remember, to love your neighbors as yourself- well, if you don’t love yourself more, how can you love your neighbors enough?
But, Lord, I think I think of myself too much. I am so self-centered.
*** Mar, you are being too hard on yourself again. Ease on into my love and you will see. Have fun tonight. Enjoy and have a blessed and wonderful evening. We can talk about it tomorrow when we get together for your morning pages. Try to get up early and actually do them in the morning. Dad is getting you at 7:15 so try to get up at 5:30- ease into your day, ok? Ok, see you in the morning, then. Love you, God.