How has three days gone by without me journaling/meeting with you here?  I can’t believe how fast time is flying by!  It’s good in many ways, but I feel dizzy thinking about how much time has gone by and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing!  I need to focus more on things that matter and start saying “No, thank you- I can’t do that right now!”  I’m learning.  I’ve declined a few invitations and dropped out of some of the classes I’ve signed up for.

 

I am looking forward to focusing more on WD class and getting the homework done going forward.  It’s been 4 weeks and I haven’t spent much time on it.  I also am looking forward to the Worship Conference at VC.  I hope I don’t have to play guitar or sing… I just want to be there to learn what you are asking me to learn there.  I don’t know what to expect.

 

*** I am glad you are in WD.  It will help you learn to heed my calls and do what I am asking of you.  It is very important that you follow instructions.  We can’t get this done properly without your strict adherence to what I ask you to do.  I am not mad at you, Mar, I just want you to succeed in these plans we have for you to accomplish.  Every day meetings are what I have always asked you to start doing… can you try it for 30 days and see how much you get out of it?  You will be amazed!  You don’t need to commit to an hour long meeting each day… only drop what you are doing and come!  It can be only for 10 minutes.  That’s ok.  Just come… be here with me so that we can start a daily habit that will benefit you and many people in the end.

 

As for the worship conference at VC, you will have a great time and meet lots of cool people that will help you along your journey.  Don’t be self conscious or afraid.  Just have fun, learn what they share with you and know that you will be a worship minister of your own kind.  You are very unique; don’t try to be like anyone else.  Together, we will have a great time sharing my love through songs.

 

I have another question for you that I am afraid to get your response.  I don’t know what you will say when I share this with you.  But, I know you already know what’s going on and I know that you don’t need me to tell you!  This is a major decision that may change the course of my life and I’m not sure if in a good way.

 

Here it is: I decided to skip church this weekend and I’m thinking I don’t want to continue to be a regular at the Catholic Church services.  I am torn.  I feel guilt but when I ask myself why do I feel guilt- it is by the man-made rules.  It doesn’t say in the Bible to go to a Catholic Church and attend  mass every week or it is a sin.  Does it?    The reality is that I spend a lot of time in bible studies, WD, study on my own, VC sometimes, and with all the child abuse coming out and in the news, I am not feeling a passion to go.  The only thing I am missing today from not going is of course, the Holy Eucharist!  This is huge in my mind.  I am not saying that I won’t go to church… of course I will go.  During the week and some weekends, I imagine.  It’s just that I want to be free of the chain of having to do something that I would rather go when I choose to be there- not out of fear self-imposed by a regulation from other people.   The church isn’t infallible, is it?   Even saying this is making me feel guilty.  I am sorry that I feel this way.  It is just how I feel today.  I haven’t missed church in many years.  This is not feeling good, but I don’t know if this guilt is coming from man made rules or your Spirit condemning me?

 

*** Just wait and see how you feel next weekend.  If you want to go to church during the week, please don’t hesitate to go.  I will be there in the host, too.  I want to nourish your body, spirit, soul and mind.  I’m not mad, and this is not a sin per say.  Your heart is full of love for me and I know it.  I am sorry you and DB were hurt by the actions of priests.  Only know that the number of bad priests is a very small percentage of a large group of men.  Men are not infallible.  There is much evil in the world and the church has the world in it, too.  Pray for priests. 

 

Know that I am here for you anytime and in the most Holy Eucharist, your spiritual food is waiting for you.  I am not mad at you.  I know you are sorting through a lot of stuff right now and you feel overwhelmed.  I am always here for you and will never leave you.  I love you, Mar.  Know my heart is for you and it goes out in love for the whole world.  Come to reconciliation to clear yourself of past sins from the last 3 weeks and when you are there, mention your thoughts on skipping mass to the priest and see what  may  he may have to say.  I will be there and together, the three of us can sort this out so you don’t feel lost.  I know you like several churches: VC, WD (RFC), and St. P.  That is a lot.  You can not do all three – time would not permit that for you right now, I know.  Mentally, this would not be wise for you either, considering the limitations the illness has imposed on you.  This is a time of change for you.  Embrace it and know that I am leading you in the path I have for you.  Do not worry about what to do ahead of time.  Let my spirit lead you.  One step at a time, is how we will get through this maze of life.  I love you!