I’m just about to leave to go to “Discover” class at VC and I haven’t had a chance to write you yet today. I worked this morning and then went to lunch with m&d and DB. Then I did my roadie duties for dad’s drums at the nursing home. It was fun to help out. Those guys are funny. One song they were playing in two different keys and it was comical to watch after the song, when they were kinda arguing about it… ;0)
I don’t have much to say except that I am very grateful for my health. I went to boot camp this morning – the alarm went off early (4:30 a.m.) poor DB. I woke him up. Thank you for my new knees you gave me, thank you for healing my eyes – twice! And thank you for healing me of the chemical imbalance. Tomorrow I am seeing P and get to tell him that Jesus healed me of the bipolar… should be interesting. I’m curious what he is going to say to me about that. I claim it and I’ll be honest about it. I’ll be taking my meds until Dr W lets me taper off it after Christmas, (Hopefully). I want to be responsible about it. I do feel stable and healed because I’ m doing so much with my faith. This weekend is Holy Spirit retreat at Lof the W… through VC. So, I am looking forward to continued stability during that as well as the three-day healing conference coming up in a couple weeks. (Nov 1-3rd) That is the ultimate test on my healing. To be able to immerse myself in Healing, worship, Holy Spirit stuff… that is the stuff that used to make me unstable. Now, I know I am healed and that it is fine, and yet even beneficial to me- my mind, soul and body. God will see me through it all. He is so faithful and good! Thank you, Jesus for healing me!
I am hoping for prophetic word tonight. Could you send someone to me again, tonight. I remember a few weeks ago you sent the word to me that you “really like that I am expectantly waiting”. I am still expectantly waiting, hoping for the big breakthrough of finances. I am looking forward to blessing a lot of people.
I love you and am looking forward to each day not knowing how you can use me. You healed my mind and I thank you for that. Now, I give you my mind, body, soul and strength to do whatever you want me to do. Just give me the courage to follow through with your plans and help me to always hear your still small voice. If I don’t hear it, then please speak a little louder ;0) using other people if needed. I want to make you proud of me. I am your daughter and I don’t want to let you down. Help me to make you proud.
***Can I just say that I love you, Mar… and you do make me very proud. You always have and you always will. Believe me, Mar, I know. So, just be yourself, you are precious to me.
Thank you, for that daddy. I love you.
Hi again…. I just got back from VC and I wanted to write down my experience because it is really wild.
(I saw a ufo?!!!!) Ok, so Adam gave the lesson for “Discover” tonight. The main thing I got out of it was that we are not supposed to go it alone. We have the church community/ family and we were meant to have others to help us through our walk/journey. We don’t have to do it alone. That blessed me in the most huge way because I have been so alone in my walk. Literally, ALONE.
I found it very interesting and a relief that maybe someone will be there for me to talk to about all this. I had no idea that I would spill the beans out in our small group! Ok, so we went through our small group discussion and came to the prayer time. Rachel invited me to the college kid’s group after Discover. I thought I’d try it out since I was so curious and it really sounded like fun. They go out on Friday nights onto campus and go on “treasure hunts” where they ask God where to go and what to look out for and then go from there praying for people God asked them to pray for.
We walked in the dark through an empty lot to the Prayer House set back on the property next to the woods. It was a little scary going there in the mud and dark. (I was a little worried about walking back after the meeting by myself in the dark to a lot without anyone around at 11pm. ) it was sooooooooo crazy what happened next. We sit down and started the powerful worship. I had an experience of maybe there was people there that were not really feeling comfortable with me being there. I felt too old to be there first of all. I saw an older man standing at the other side of the room with a real scary look on his face… almost like he was mad. Then he went around the back of the house and stood behind me. I could feel him looking at me and I got really creeped out. My illness experience of evil/good paranoia was coming back into my memory and I felt several things. #1 I better go before it gets to be too late and the cars leave the lot or I’ll be walking in the dark with no one around but that creepy guy that I felt was evil (my paranoia memories but not actual paranoia) I reasoned that it would be best to leave before 11 pm.
Next, I saw… get this, what looked like a UFO above the woods. It was a bright light in the sky and it was huge… flying low. I looked around and everyone was singing with their eyes closed. No one else saw what I saw. I was amazed and scared out of my pants. I prayed to God to just see me to my car safely and I said good-bye to R. I feel badly for leaving so soon, I’ll try to explain it to her next week when I see her again. But, I just decided to make a run for it to my car…. I really feel bad about leaving but I HAD TO GET to my car and pretend that this never happened. I do NOT want to be sick and I claim my healing. I receive my mental healing and I will protect my sanity. I was not really that scared, more just trusting God to get me home and I decided that I will not put myself into a dangerous situation at night like that again. I wish DB were with me at night when I go out like that. I will just have to maybe say no to some things that may be dangerous. I know I’m over thinking I was in danger… I’m sure I’d be fine but I need to listen to my instincts. My instincts told me to leave and that is exactly what I did with my full trust in God to take care of me. The walk back to my car wasn’t that bad because there were still cars in the lot and it was only 9p.m. I am glad that I didn’t wait until 11pm to leave. I just felt so uncomfortable.
It just was not a good place for me to be mentally. I did see that adorable kid who told me he saw “golden boots” and the word “Stewardship”. He was so nice to say hi to me before we started worship. God, I ask that you bless him and all the other kids there tonight. Please help them all find their way to you and your Kingdom. Help them spread your good news and protect them all from all evil. I ask that you watch over the college group and bless them all. Especially bless R with all her needs including her work with the college kids. Show her your love and give her your heart for all of them. Help them all have a safe and fun time in their group.
Thank you for being with me tonight and for letting me share all that in the small group. I hope I didn’t disappoint you or ruin any plans you might have had for me. I don’t know if I was not supposed to say anything about the music-healing band and the lotto. I just felt that we were supposed to be authentic and not go it alone. I have felt so alone, I really just needed someone to share all this with. Thank you for sending me into a wonderful church and small groups. Please bless S and her husband, S. Please help me be a blessing to them and the church. Forgive me for being a blabber-mouth. I hope it won’t mean that I can’t win the lotto now because of some rule I don’t know about. This game is confusing and I’m just not sure how to play it. I always hated games and never liked strategic games… but I know this game is way more serious. It is a game for souls for your Kingdom. People’s lives, eternity, heaven and hell … the war and I want to be a warrior not someone that is losing the war because of stupidity and lack of strategy. So, all I can do is be myself. Hopefully that is enough. I just needed to share it all with someone. I feel so alone. I feel so vulnerable and scared, God. I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is try to have fun in it all but I am crying right now. Can hardly see the screen. Please help me. Please guide me. Please forgive me, if I did something wrong. Please give me stability – especially during Saturday’s Holy Spirit retreat. Am I overdoing it? I hope not. I really am putting my sanity to the test in all this. Man, if you keep me stable through all this and the holidays, I will know for sure that you have healed me of mental illness and that my stability is for real. I ask that you give me peace about it and that I continue to be a rock – hard, strong, stable, and dependable.
Please help me continue to be courageous and unafraid of anything all because you are my guide, protector, and daddy. You will care for me. You will watch over me along with all your legions of angels. Archangel Michael is my guardian angel, you told me a long time ago and I appreciate all the love and protection. Mother, I would like to thank you for being with me also. You are the best. I love you. You are the queen of Angels and you are in charge of all the angels – I know you have all them on special assignment to protect and guide me. Thank you! I love all you guys so much. Thank you for your care and protection.
*** Mar, you are doing so well. No, you are not blowing anything… just continue to be yourself. You are doing great. You don’t need to be worried about your stability. You are healed but you can scare yourself back into problems if you don’t trust us. Your old thoughts of past struggles in your mental stability will try to scare you and shake you. Just claim your stability and if you need to step back like you did tonight, that is fine. You still have limitations, but they are just common sense. Don’t be walking by yourself in the dark with weird lights in the sky in the woods!
;0)
It’s common sense that you’ll be scared after all you’ve gone through with paranoia and mental illness. BUT YOU ARE NOT sick! YOU ARE JUST REMEMBERING THE OLD. RECEIVE THE NEW… MENTAL STABILITY is your new identity in me.
God, your daddy, has healed you, JESUS healed you. THE HOLY SPIRIT HEALED YOU. You just need to relax, have a cigar…
;0)
Just kidding…
*** I am in control. You just remember that, Mar, and you’ll be just dandy. I love you more than anything. More than you could ever imagine. More than all the universe. Try to grasp that, ok… you are well taken care of. You do not need to worry. The only thing you should think about is having a good time and enjoying the ride. I will give you strength and a ton of fun. Believe. Trust. Rest in my love… you are my beloved daughter whom I am well pleased. (To put it mildly)
Oh. My. Gosh. Thank you, dad!!! Thank you for those words. It makes so much sense and it really has calmed me. Thank you for your love. I think I need to go to bed and rest my brain. It’s been a long day… starting at 4:30 am and booty camp… man. What. A. day. !!!
Ga-Night.